Some mother's handle it with more grace than others. I don't yet know how I handle it. But, I do know that I've felt the pain. The pain I've felt is a deeper pain than the one that comes from knowing your child made a poor choice on the playground. It's a pain in knowing your child is different. Very, very different. It's a pain in knowing the future you've always dreamed of may never, ever materialize. It's a pain in knowing that parenthood is going to be something different than anything you've ever imagined. It's a pain in knowing that your child can't live the life you've hoped for them. It's a pain in grief and loss for something you've wanted more than anything else in life, and came so very close to having, and then lost.
It was miserable. It was the day they told me that our little girl had little chance of survival, the day they talked to us about how we may get to hold her for a few minutes or hours, and then say goodbye to all our dreams of her, because they likely wouldn't happen. The day they told us that Ms. Nora had a chromosomal abnormality that was likely not compatible for life was just about the worst day I can imagine.
Then, just about the best day I can imagine is the one where they told us she just might make it! It is positively mind-blowing to me to be absolutely overjoyed about news of a chromosomal abnormality. But I totally am.
I watched a video today about a couple who had a twenty-week ultrasound determining that their son, Thomas, had Trisomy 13, the abnormality they initially told us our Nora could likely have. They knew he would live a very short life. They didn't plan a baby shower, they didn't prepare his nursery. They planned a funeral, and bought a coffin and headstone instead. They carried him to term, and showed us his life, filled with love- though cut short at only five days. I've seen videos like it before. I've even cried watching videos like it before. But never could I in some strange way relate to a video like that before. And even still, I can't really understand it all. But, all the things that brave family did, are all the things that I once had to imagine Kevin and I doing; I had to wrap my brain around those feelings and actions. It was miserable. And I cried very, very hard watching that video. Perhaps I cried for myself, and perhaps I cried for this family, Deidrea (oddly close to my name, right?), and her husband and son. They were such a wonderful family, and they were so brave, and loving, and everything I'd hoped I could be, had that been us.
After watching the video I just cried. And I rubbed my big ole' belly, and I felt Nora kick, and I thanked God over and over and over again for giving us the chance to keep her.
It all goes up and down so quickly. Like a roller coaster. I loathe roller coasters. Though I continue to hope that we've hit the lowest point in this particular coaster ride, there are still moments. There are fears, and there are things I dread. There are confusing feelings at times. There isn't really a good way to describe it all. And, though I could write up a beautiful attempt- I know it won't do all of my feelings and those that have felt similar ones any justice. I'll reserve these thoughts and feelings for those of us that have felt them- because words just don't cut it.
The most powerful feeling of all is one of gratitude. A healthy baby isn't a guarantee. Pregnancy is hardly a guarantee. Both of these things are something we often don't realize is such a fragile gift. I think so many of us take for granted the blessing of a healthy baby, of a baby at all. I know I did. Or maybe I still do? Regardless, it's certainly something to be grateful for!
I've already had the realization that parenthood isn't at all what I thought it would be. Pregnancy is different than I thought. I'm not as cute and wonderful as a pregnant lady as I had hoped, but I'm also not as cranky as the world predicted I would be (you're welcome, world!) I'm not dying of hunger, though hangry still happens; and I don't need pickles with ice cream each evening. I do, however, not sleep well at night, and I'm sure tired. Who knew!? More than that, I've realized that all of my dreams, aren't always up to me to make happen. God might have other plans. Nora might have other plans. All parents learn this at some point, I imagine. We all realize that our kids might not actually be all we ever imagined. We all discover parenting isn't as easy as we planned, and we aren't the parents we had hoped to be. Maybe our kids will drive us nuts, or they'll cause us mounds of worry or send us into tantrums. I'll bet sometimes most parents even wish different life choices or values for their children. But I'll bet not a single parent out there wishes they didn't get to be the parent to that very child- exactly as they are designed. All struggles: physical, mental, social, emotional, all of them make up who our child is, and I'll bet every parent, though broad-sided at times, might just be grateful for their child, exactly as they are.
Having this new-found gratitude in getting to meet our perfect little girl, I'm shining a new light on this pregnancy. I've spent so many days in fear, not of her, but of not meeting her. I've spent days pondering how to continue to prepare for her arrival- guarding myself from potential pain. I've been scared to have a baby shower, or prepare the nursery. In fact, at first I shut that bedroom door and entered only when necessary. It scared me to get too excited, too attached, and too prepared seeing now that life is not a guarantee.
But then I realized how sad I would feel if I didn't get to be excited for her. I truly believe that Nora Grace is going to make it here and lead a joyful life. I do. But, I know now that it isn't a guarantee; but is it ever? If we are going to have to say goodbye to her too soon, I want to live the rest of my life knowing that we celebrated her, and we were the best darn parents we could be for the time we had her. I want her to know and feel love. Fear, I don't want for her. So, I've decidedly said goodbye to fear, and hello to pink..pink everything.
Welll..sort of. I'm not really interested in pink. And that nursery is not pink. But, we found ourselves registering for baby goods today, and while at it, we pointed that little shopping gun at some pink stuff. It was quite delightful! And you better believe that we are registering so that we can shower this little lady with all the must-have baby goods. We will be well-prepared and thrilled for her chance at life!
Thank you for continuing to pray and celebrate with us! We are so grateful!
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