Grace

grace n. an attractive or pleasing quality; good will; the temporary extension of a due date; a blessing.
          n. unmerited divine assistance given to humans for their regeneration or sanctification

If you find it odd that I am writing a blog about my unborn child, join the club!

I think it's weird. Very weird.
But, then again pregnancy is weird. Pregnancy is a phenomenon I never thought I would feel so "attached" to. Actually, Pregnant women kinda bug me sometimes. They always talk about their head hurting, and their stomach churning, and their legs getting fat. They get sad about stupid stuff, moan about how alcohol isn't allowed, are emotional basket-cases, and they just talk about it ALL. THE. TIME. And I especially think it is weird when people name their unborn babies. How strange is it to look at your stomach and give it a name!?! The fact that I have named this being inside of me that sucks away my energy and makes my body ache is weird. It's like naming a cold.

Only it's not like that. Not at all. Not even close.
Pregnancy has completely changed me.
Nora, my named and unborn child, has changed me.
AND IT IS SO WIERD. In a good kinda way.

I've often wondered what else I might possibly write in this blog. What can I possibly have to say about this anymore? I've said all the sad, scary stuff. Or, at least what I think anyone would want to hear. The worst is over, I pray! So, I ponder ideas of funny things to post, silly things to post, celebratory things to post. But, it all rubs me the wrong way. You see, because this whole pregnant thing is a strange thing for me to openly talk about with everyone, and because I hate to become the pregnant lady that talks about it ALL. THE. TIME. I just can't imagine what more is needed. Because we want our Nora to live a "normal" life, all chromosomal oddities aside, it feels weird to make a big deal of this pregnancy now; Because there are SO MANY women and families out there that have suffered far worse than Kevin and I are up against right now, it feels somehow selfish, needy, annoying to continue.

But then I go to the doctor again.
And just like that, I have more words to say.

We had a routine check-up today. Regardless, I was terrified. I went through the motions all day, getting all the things done, at warp speed. Then I went to the doctor, they checked my blood pressure. I have this odd pride in myself for having chronically low blood pressure. It's annoying and weird, and it's just how I am. Today though, today, it was high.

Gee, I wonder why!?
I, of course, took that as terrible news and felt sad, scared, and deflated throughout the rest of the appointment. We talked about all the things I hate talking about at this particular appointment. All the things that could go wrong. All the unknowns. We talked about all the stuff I don't like. I just need everyone to tell me all wonderful news, all the time now. I need more comments like, "Your amniotic fluid is beautiful," "You have rockstar blood," and "Her heart rate is perfect!" Because without those joyous words the fear comes rushing back to me.

The doctor isn't concerned about my blood pressure. Kevin isn't concerned about my blood pressure. But, their both concerned about my stress level. Stress is another one of those things that I have annoying pride in myself for having a great deal of success in managing. I can do a bajillion things. And well. And all at the same time. I can multi-task like few others I know. I can hear twenty kids asking me different questions all at once, while the phone is ringing, and I have to pee, and the principal is on his way into my classroom, and I need a snack, and the bills aren't paid, and the dogs haven't been run in a while, and Kevin is out of town, and I don't know what is for dinner, and I have three places to be at once that night and somehow I'll make it all of them, while being pregnant. I can do all that. Plus some more. With a smile on my face. And only those who truly know me might know just how overwhelmed I really am.

But never, ever have I felt stress like this. Never have all the things I do at once raised my blood pressure. Never have I had so little control over something so fragile.

My focus is changed. My heart is delicate now and suddenly ALL of those things, they just don't matter to me. What matters is that Nora makes it. The doctor still can't say she will. The doctor still says the things that could still happen, or have "poor outcomes." They have to say those things. I know they do. And it's important that I know them, and discuss them, and prepare for them.

But by golly. It sure doesn't lower this unimaginable stress that I now carry with me every day.

I know that Nora is a still kickin' though. Literally. Kicking. Today, when checking her heart rate she quite literally kicked the doppler, not once, but twice! And I loved it!  Kevin and I both smiled big smiles. They were big kicks! All of her kicks are big kicks. She sure is a fighter!

After those big kicks the doctor asked me, "How are you feeling?" EVERYONE asks me this. I have no idea how to answer because I never know what they mean. Physically? Emotionally? I feel a lot of things! More things than I have ever felt. But she said she wanted to know how I felt in all the ways. I told her physically I am more than fine. Emotionally, we're Ok. "We've had our hard days, and our moments of fear. We have a lot of unanswered questions and fears. But I just don't think that we'll get answers to those until she is here. As far as a diagnosis goes, I think we're feeling Ok. It doesn't seem that scary. But I just need to know she'll get here. I need all the questions answered when she gets here."

The doctor praised us for our strength. She told us to be so proud of ourselves for how much grace we've been showing for our little girl...

You read that correctly. Our doctor had a talk with us about grace. GRACE. The very meaning of grace is the very reason that our little girl is named the way she is. Our doctor doesn't know the name we've chosen. She didn't make any connections. She simply noted the importance of grace in our life, the grace we've been fighting for, the grace we've been grateful for, and the grace we've been trying to live with. She said how grace was something this world needs. Grace is an incredibly important thing to have and show and give in life. She talked a lot about grace. And how it is imperative we have it and continue to dish it out.

I don't know if I am just looking for signs and coincidences that mean Nora is going to make it.
That's not true.
I absolutely am looking for signs...

But God is giving them to me.

Grace is something I haven't been worried about showing. Grace is something I have been downright begging the world to give me. I've been begging God to grant Kevin and I grace. I have been praying that Nora Grace is given all the grace in the world for her life: and a happy one, a healthy one, and a full one. I have begged God for grace upon Ms. Nora every day since this all began.  I have been hoping that everyone around us can give us grace as we navigate through all of these feelings and the stress we don't yet know how to manage. Grace has been carrying me through this, in more ways than one.

Today, despite the measly high blood pressure and the talk of things I hate, God granted me grace. He gave me a chance to feel Ms. Nora kick that doppler, telling us all she was just fine. He let me hear the doctor speak of grace, something I think is better suited as a verb, in a way I didn't see coming and from a source I never would have imagined.

Now, as I continue to be a selfish, needy and likely annoying pregnant lady, I ask that you give me grace. Writing for Nora is something I simply must do.

Thank you for celebrating her with me!

Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinthians 12: 8-9.