"How are you feeling?"

"How are you feeling?"
I've been asked that question at least a bajillion times since I announced my pregnancy.

At least three staff members ask me before 9am every day, and that number jumps to at least seven before the end of the day. Multiple people ask me each time we go to the doctor. Every parent of a student that sees me. Anyone and everyone that knows I'm pregnant has asked me this.

And to all of you pregnant ladies out there, I'm certain you can relate.
And once we have our children I'm sure that we're going to have some camaraderie in feeling bummed  that everyone has quit asking how WE'RE doing, and will instead just ask how our kids are.

But for the time being, everyone wants to know how I'm feeling.
When people ask me that question, I panic. It feels like a loaded question. I always start reading for signs...
Their tone of voice.
The angle of their head tilt.
Are they smiling?
Is there concern on their face?
Do they look excited?
Do they look nervous?
What are their eyes saying?

Most importantly, do they "know?" Aside from this blog, I've just recently started spreading the news of Nora's diagnosis to all the realms of our lives. But, word spreads, I know I don't have to be the one to shout it for others to hear. So, I must always wonder- do they know what we're fighting for?

I spend so much time trying to figure out how to respond to people because I don't know how they'll respond to me. And it's a vicious cycle because people don't know how I'll respond, so they are trying to figure out how to respond to me. Social expectations are so tricky.

I almost always am incredibly mature and make a joke. Or state the obvious, "I feel pregnant.". I'm like the female version of Chandler Bing at times. I never respond with anything to do with anything meaningful. When people ask how they can help I say, "Buy me a drink."

It lightens the air at least.

But, I'd sure like to answer the question this time.

How am I feeling?

I feel pregnant.
I feel like Nora's movements are getting sharper by the day- it hurts a bit.
I feel exhausted.
I feel tired of being pregnant.
I feel anxious about awaiting heart surgery.
I feel hopeful that lung surgery might not happen.
I feel scared that the worst will happen.
I feel uneasy about all the uncertainties.
I feel excited to meet our little girl soon!
I feel like pregnancy is far too long.
I feel nervous Luna and Torrey will get neglected when Nora is here.
I feel like time is crawling.
I feel awed by our little lady's strength.

I feel frustrated that we know about Nora having Turner's- it takes away from her being just our little girl right now. It makes everyone concerned. It makes delivery really freaky. It feels like it defines her at this point, before she is even born.

I feel like we've had too much time to think- like maybe if we found out right now, instead of 15 weeks ago, we would have less time to worry, and that would feel nice?

I feel delighted that we did do testing in order to find out what chromosomal abnormality was causing Nora's birth defects. It makes us worry, it makes us wonder, it makes everyone concerned- but if we hadn't done it the doctor's might still be thinking Nora's chance of survival was slim to none and we might not get the surgeries and the care she needs to keep her alive. But we did do it. So now we know. Now we are doing what we need to do so that Nora can live the very full and happy life God has granted her.


I feel grateful. Life isn't a guarantee, and it certainly still is not for Nora- but she has already been granted more life than doctor's first thought. She is beating odds each an every day. I ask myself every single day, "If so many are lost, why do we get to keep her?" And, I don't know the answer- but I am grateful.

I feel proud. I'm so unbelievably proud of Nora already. Knowing she has Turner's shocked us at first. It took some time to wrap our minds around everything. It took us a bit to mourn the loss of the flawless little girl we dreamed up previously. But then, I became proud. So very proud. I'm proud that she is a fighter. That she is already someone all her own. That she defies the odds. That she isn't just like every other little girl. She is my rockstar. And she is something so special. It's totally awesome.

I feel dumb-founded when people suggest that one day I might be "thankful" for Turner's Syndrome. I  don't hate Turner's Syndrome. But I certainly don't think I need to fall in love with the whole ordeal. Why be grateful for growth hormone shots, hormone replacement shots, heart surgery, lung surgery, edema, and the feeling of being "different." Sure, all of this will make Nora tough, and wise, and so wonderful for so many reasons. But, isn't ok to be mad that she has to endure it at all? I'm proud of her for it, but I don't know that I would ever be grateful for it? No mother anywhere could ever be grateful for this kind of hardship, right? Sure, it will make her who she is- and I'm pumped about it- but that hardly seems like cause to celebrate her heart surgery, right?

But also, I feel thankful for Turner's syndrome. Without Nora having Turner's syndrome we wouldn't know the depth of the love of those in our lives. We wouldn't know how tough Nora is. We wouldn't recognize this unimaginable, blind love and pride and faith that we are capable of. We wouldn't know what we are capable of at all- how strong we really can be. We wouldn't know our perfect little girl exactly as she is: positively perfect for us.

I feel loved.
I feel supported.
I feel terrified.
I feel emotional.
I feel overwhelmed.

I feel like a whale.
I feel so sad to have left my students, my teammates, my coworkers, my job for the next 14 weeks.
I feel silly when students run into my belly, forgetting it's grown so much.
I feel annoyed with insurance.
I feel lucky to have wonderful insurance.

I feel like I have a wonderful husband.
I feel like I miss hot yoga and wine and running.
I feel like my hips can't possibly get wider- if they did baby would for sure just fall through, right?

I feel completely overjoyed that in 2 weeks this baby girl is breaking free, and finally we can get this show on the road!

Thank God!